HELP! My Spouse Shut Down


James 4;6
6But He gives us more grace. This is why it says: “- God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

Often the pain our spouse causes puts us in a place of ‘victimization’ where we are too hurt to offer our love or affection. It takes real humility to offer affection to someone who ‘hurt’ us. Aren’t you glad God doesn’t operate that way? We hurt him often yet his love for us is always there. Humility is often the greatest asset to a healthy life, healthy marriage and uncontainable blessings. Pride is a home wrecker. Pride will often destroy the carrier more than the target. You can stand your ground, you can stay distant, you can be right but you may just end up alone. Being right isn’t always as good as it’s cracked up to be. Being right is down right lonely. Being right can often be wrong.

Offer humility. Ask your partner “Did I so something that caused you to pull away? Is there something I need to ask forgiveness for? What can I do to draw you back into my heart? Those questions reflect humility. Heroes are humble.


Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
1 Corinthians 13:4-5

If, and i mean IF you are humble, don’t expect them to fall on their knees and beg for forgiveness as well. Don’t expect them to do a 180. Be patient. It may take weeks of your humility to crack their hardened heart.

Patience gives God a chance to work on their hearts. Your impatience is a way of telling God “I don’t need you God, I’ve got this under control”. Good luck with that plan. Patience is so powerful. Patience lets you make good decisions. Patience lets God intervene and lastly, your kids are watching  Be patient because heroes are patient.


But those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:31

I don’t mean physically, I mean spiritually and emotionally strong. Your spouse may have said things that stung. They may have acted ways that were hurtful. Take your pain to the Lord. Let HIM heal your wound. Be strong and endure some hardships. Endure some of the injustices.

We live in a world now where we cut people out of our lives in a millisecond. We quit on our boss, our friends, our families and our marriages. We treat relationships like throwaways. We have an attitude of entitlement. “What’s in it for me?”.

Jesus himself tells us “I did not come here to be served but to serve”. If only I could have that mindset in my marriage. Even though at times I am hurting, empty, sad, angry, or frustrated I pray my attitude be that of a servant. That takes a spiritually strong person. Let’s rise up and be that person.

Be strong. Heroes are strong.

After all of that if your spouse doesn’t warm up to you and help you figure out the next steps, get mentored by another couple. Outside mentoring from a couple can be one of the most powerful steps you will ever take.

Go and be Different.

Watch this sermon I preached on EVERY FAMILY NEEDS A HERO

Matt and Pam Loehr

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